It’s hard to think rationally or coherently when you are going through withdrawal from benzodiazepines. I’m 19 days into my withdrawal today. The simplest things become the highest mountains to climb. It’s like you are straddling a doorway between the life you once had and the death you are sure is to come at any minute. But I don’t trust myself to go either way.
A year ago today, I was fully mired in my addiction to Klonopin. I don’t think I fully saw how bad it was yet. I just thought I was suffering from mental and physical exhaustion. Somehow, in the haze of it all, I managed to create a few new shows. One of them had a lot of interest and a major network was well on its way to making it a done deal. It didn’t happen, but at the time I had something to look forward to in 2017. Of course, I hadn’t had a paying job for two months so for the first time in a very long while, my wife stepped up to financially care for us both.
I didn’t think much of it as she had taken years off to work on her own life goals and dreams. It’s one of the things I saw as complicit in a relationship or marriage. Support. In good times and bad. It never bothered me. I loved seeing her thrive in what she enjoyed doing. She didn’t, however, love seeing me thrive or not thrive. Each side of the coin had its own dire outcome for me. I won an award. I would be made to feel worthless for winning it. I didn’t get funding for something. I would be continually reminded of what a loser I was.
My ex wife’s abusive behavior was a constant in our relationship. I found out recently she suffers from Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD). I always knew something was wrong in our time together. Her constant need for validation, her daily shopping for beauty products and surgeries (I later found out a lot of money was spent on surgeries), her vengeful tirades against her friends who had some success – but I saw all of this as someone who was injured, who just needed love. I wanted to make it better.
Reading this back, makes me cringe a bit. It makes me ask questions about myself and who I am. I chose the path of destruction of self in my relationship and in picking up that pill. I guess the question is, how do I ever get back to trusting anything, including myself, again?